Delusional or faithful? That is a question that has been at
the forefront of my mind more times then I would like to admit over the last
few years. Due to this reoccurrence I have decided to write about it. Therefore
I am going to attempt to communicate what is inside my soul on a personal
level. I have recently taken down a post that was an attempt to communicate
emotion on my part because the writing was incoherent and a bit
unorganized. Now I am attempting to
communicate thoughts that may appear to be more abstract and not so straight
forward. These words are probably better told in person due the content being
of the soul and not the mind. So why am I attempting this? Is it because the
Lord has placed depth within my soul that I feel I must share or am I just
delusional? This question has been unavoidable to me therefore this is
something I must write about.
Mathew 11:2-6, 11
And when John heard in
prison about the works of Christ, he sent two of his disciples and said to Hi,
“Are You the Coming One or do we look for another?” Jesus answered and said to
them, “Go and tell John the things which you hear and see. “The blind see and
the lame walk; the lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear’ the dead are raised
up and the poor have the gospel preached to them. And blessed is he who is not
offended because of Me
…Assuredly, I say to
you, among those born of women there has not risen one greater than John the
Baptist: but he who is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he.
I have chosen to stay with this passage from my last post
but not to speak in an expository manner. I am not going to speak in depth
about the passage at all. I just want you ask yourself if what I have to say
makes any sense in relation to this passage.
I must confess that I have often thought that the line
between faith and insanity is so fine that the human mind cannot discern the
difference. It can easily be blurred by man’s own imagination as well as man’s
lack of diligence towards knowing the difference between the two or moreover
the desire to study His Word to be strong in faith. However, even with some
diligence I have often had the line blurred in my mind at times to the point
that I cannot recognize which side of the line I am on. I have wondered if
anything I write makes any difference. Am I truly discerning the Word of God
and the events of the day or am I victim of believing in what I hope I am? I
must confess that I look at my life financially and my relationships with
others that seem to be lacking in depth and purpose, and it’s hard to see where
anything I am doing is making any difference. Am I just another lost person
that lives in a world that is not real because I can’t stand the one that is?
Could it be that I am way off base about what the Bible truly says? Am I lost
about the events of the world today and the state of the church? Could it be
that this blog should not have wisdom but rather fool in the title?
All of these things have run through my mind, and more times
then I would like to admit caused a lot of anxiety and pain. So are these
thoughts telling me the truth or is there something else going on? Maybe living
in this world for Christ causes this and this is quite normal for a believer?
Maybe that is why John asked the question he did? I think the Bible clearly illustrates that it
was not a lack of faith. Maybe John was emotionally just on the wrong side of
the line between faith and insanity. Why else would he ask a question he
already knew the answer to and moreover why did Jesus brag about him after
John’s disciple had given Jesus the message? Why didn’t Jesus chastise him for
lacking faith? Maybe this lamentation by John was the same as Solomon is
Ecclesiastes, Paul asking for Timothy while in jail, Thomas not believing until
he saw the nails, David in Psalm 51, Jeremiah wanting not to speak up, and
Elijah’s depression. Maybe all these instances in scripture were not a lack of
faith but rather men evaluating their life and in the midst of the pain
wondering if the kingdom will ever come in its fullness. Maybe Jesus’ cry on
the cross was an example of that as well. Am I reading too much into this?
Overanalyzing yet another subject? Or am I on to something here? Am I
delusional or stumbling on to greatness?
The truth is that I have already answered my own question.
It is not that I will not struggle with battling despondency at times and
asking these questions of myself. The reality is that it doesn’t matter either
way. The Lord has already chosen me and this is the road I must travel.
Therefore whether I wonder about these things from time to time or even if I am
truly delusional, my road will not change. There comes a time when you realize
you have made your decision. Delusional or faithful? The question matters to my
soul but it doesn’t to my path. If He is not the way the truth and the life
then my delusion or faith doesn’t matter anyway because I have nothing I can do
or say. Maybe this is what faith is?
Could it be that these men felt and struggled with these
very thoughts? Maybe I’m not crazy! Even if I am it’s too late now, it’s Jesus
Christ or I am doomed anyway, I guess it’s faith!
