I was saved at the age of twenty in 1995, but I did not
fully understand what God meant by surrendering your life to him in every
aspect. This statement is at the root of the problem in regards to my growth or
lack thereof as a Christian. Of course I went to church, read my bible and did
all those kind of things but the deep relationship that Jesus wanted to have
with me was lacking in my life. Just before I had gotten saved I was a
rebellious kid that knew about Jesus. My mother did a wonderful job of making
sure that I was being presented the gospel of Jesus Christ. To be honest the
churches that I went to growing up were all churches where you could see Christ
at work there. I was however a foolish young boy who just wanted to appear to
be with Jesus when it was convenient.
This is not going to be a story about a bad upbringing and blaming my
lack of spiritual growth on some social circumstances conspiring against me. It
was simply sin and rejection of grace. Ephesians 2:8-9 tells us that;
“For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that
not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works lest any man should
boast.” New King James
There was a lot of pain in my life as there is for others as
well, and I do not seek to marginalize the hard issues in our lives. The focal
point must be on the solution and not through rehashing generations of sin in
your family. Breaking it means walking away from it and trusting grace and
grace alone. Understanding and believing
that seemingly simple word was the catalyst for change. There is going to be some discussion about
pain here in this narrative and in your life as well, but I urge and exhort you
to remember his grace is sufficient, (more about that throughout).
Even
with my background of religion when I was genuinely converted to Christianity I
still didn’t fully understand what was coming next. In retrospect I needed to
be around wise counsel. Psalm 1:1-3 says:
Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the
wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the sear of mockers. But his
delight is in the law of the Lord and on his law he meditates day and night. He
is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.
These two verses are
two core life verses for me and the picture of salvation and sanctification for
me. Salvation being by grace and grace alone and sanctification being worked
out day by day through obedience to the word of the Lord with wise counsel
being a major part in that process. (Sanctification is a five dollar word
illustrating the lifelong process of the Lord conforming his servants to his
likeness.)I did not choose to seek that “wise counsel” out unfortunately. I used
to wonder whether that was a result of me not wanting the counsel or simply
lacking the understanding and how to forge those relationships, I believe now
that it was a little of both. At any
rate, despite my adequate knowledge of basic biblical principles, I knew
nothing of the relational aspect of Christianity which is to say I did not know
how to relate to people or my heavenly father. I was a lonely, intellectual
Christian living on auto pilot and heading nowhere, I just didn’t know it yet.
I allowed
my well traveled upbringing to be a convenient excuse to staying isolated in
regards to being significantly involved in others lives. (Not a real fitting a
philosophy for a Christian). We moved around a lot growing up. I didn’t even
know what city I went to kindergarten until seeing an old scrapbook at my parent’s
house some time in 2009. I lived in Illinois and Michigan through elementary
school and moved to California when I was just about 12. Since age 11 I have only seen my extended
family a few times in the last 24 years. So all of this was a ready made excuse
for why things were not going to work out for me. I was foolish and sabotaged
my own spiritual growth and Satan gave me plenty of scapegoats and I used every
one of them. I was disconnected with the world’s lost people and I was
disconnected with the Lord so I had trapped myself in a pretty pitiful
existence. I read the scriptures now and
wonder how I could have missed all of the rich detail in all of the lessons.
The bible truly is more then a history book full of stories, there is power. I
did not appreciate that fact when I was younger. I was missing what was important in all areas
of life.
Seeing
the country is something a lot of people wish they could do. I was blessed to
have the opportunity to see a lot of the United States. Going to the Grand
Canyon in Flagstaff Arizona, living in California and being near the ocean ,
seeing a lot of professional sporting
events across the country, and even meeting all of the Detroit Pistons in 1985(
or 1986 I am not sure.) Surprisingly though I have only vague memories of a lot
of what would seem to be memorable moments. One unparticular that stands out
was what should have been one of the most memorable of my young life. On
January 1, 1987 my father got tickets to the 1987 Rose Bowl between Michigan
and Arizona State. I was and still am (despite my degree form North Carolina
State University) a huge Michigan football fan. Being able to be in California
and just see the Rose Bowl stadium in Pasadena California is something a lot of
Midwestern Big Ten fans would love to experience. I was privileged enough to
attend the actual Rose Bowl game. Unfortunately Michigan lost to Arizona State
that day, (not uncommon for Michigan and Rose Bowl appearances at the time). I
would love to tell you some smells, people I met, bring up old photographs and
maybe bore you to death with a photo montausch of this and all other sites and
sounds of the United States, but I have none of these things. I couldn’t even
tell you the score of that game. I remember no details at all to be
honest. The same goes for the Grand
Canyon trip, my first time in the ocean, motorcycle rides through Florida and
Texas respectively. I could go on and on with seemingly memorable and
adventurous tales that span the gap between age 12 to age 30. I could fill
these pages with facts about places I have been but I missed what was important
in each and every experience I could list. Sometimes movies can give a fuller
representation of what is going on with someone then just words on a page. One of my favorite movies was the movie “Good
Will Hunting” The movie starred Robin Williams who played a therapist from
South Boston who was supposed to get through to another South Boston kid played
by Matt Damon who was brilliant but yet very fearful and troubled due to past
sin played out in his life, as well as experiencing tragedy that a young boy
should not have had to see. One particular seen Robin Williams was telling him
about love and how he met his wife because he chose to stay and try to talk to
her rather then go to game 6 of the Red Sox Cardinals series. He went on to
explain how he never regretted missing that World Series game and how he didn’t
regret staying in the hospital day after day as his wife was dying of cancer.
Countless examples were given by Robin Williams of how well him and his wife
knew each other including all the imperfections that each had, exclaiming to
young Will that those things were not “imperfections but rather the good stuff.”Young
Will could only quote some Shakespeare or relate a story that he read in a book
or poetic sonnet, but he knew nothing of love. Young Will had never dared to
love anyone more then himself. Robin Williams talked about a series of
experiences and each time he would tell young Will that he probably had a smart
answer from a book he read or story he heard, but he was never a part of any of
it. Will never invested his life in others and he had missed the opportunity to
experience life. I was just like Will in the movie, I was full of stories,
smart answers and funny jokes but none of it was real. I should have countless memories of people I
met and sounds and smells that I cannot forget, but I don’t. Any machine can
regurgitate facts to prove that it has a memory of something, but only those
that are alive can smell, taste, and share these things we go through in life
with others. I spent the first 30 years of my life merely existing, surviving
and wondering why there was so much pain. I was self sufficient, self reliant,
and in short selfish. These things are attributes in our consumed with self
world but they are contrary to the work of the Lord and block him from
providing life and life abundantly.
It
seems ridiculous to have read the Bible and at some times genuinely tried to
walk with the Lord to have missed the real root of it all in every aspect year
after year, but I had. Upon moving to Raleigh North Carolina in August of 1999,
with my wife to be, coming up there as well, I thought I was about to take off,
I had not yet realized that my walk with the Lord was just a set of rules and
precepts and not the vibrant relationship with a living God necessary for
abundant life that the Lord promises. My
girlfriend at the time was following me up there on faith in me. I was not an
irresponsible guy so for her to trust me from a worldly perspective was not
such a ridiculous notion. I had at this time been a Christian for 4 short years,
as was my future wife and we were convinced we were on our way to take on the
world or at least I was. I found out later that my wife was not on board with
going to Raleigh ( she went to North Carolina Central University in Durham
while I was at North Carolina State in Raleigh 15 minutes away.) She was uneasy
about the move but I was convinced. Although we were both attending church
before we left Rock Hill, South Carolina we were by no means involved in any
real way. We were attending a large church in Charlotte where we hid amongst the
numerous believers there. To this day I have no recollection of any one person
I met there. I left South Carolina under
the illusion that the Lord wanted me to attend college at NC State, but the
truth was that I never sought his counsel at all on the decision to move I just
went, mainly due to frustration with not being able to connect with folks in
the church which was my fault and not the fault of the church. I was still under two very common lies used
by Satan 1) Christianity is merely a religion of does and do nots, rules and
regulations and 2) the church did not want a screw up like me saved or
not. The enemy constantly uses religion
and the sins of your past to keep you from experiencing a full relationship
with Jesus Christ (more about that point throughout.) So off I went to North Carolina with the same
old baggage and expecting different results, bible in hand, Jesus in my heart,
but I only knew about him but did not know him intimately. I would later learn
that in his love for his children he will draw us close to him, it is just a
matter of whether we will allow him to, or he will allow our sin to almost ruin
us, unfortunately I chose the latter.
Everything
started off well I found 3 wonderful Christian roommates Jason, Eric, and Matt
and there friends Steve and Doug (of whom Doug and Jason I still keep in
contact with and consider friends.) I attended a bible believing church that
was vibrant with exceptional preaching. I was on the church softball team,
participated in a church basketball league and even led a bible study out of my
home for a brief time. No one saw the tragic downturn coming (at least I didn’t
think so). I was on course to graduate North Carolina State University with a
degree in Political Science I had a job at a law firm as a courier and part
time legal assistant and was planning on attending law school after graduation;
on the outside everything was fine. Inside was a whole different story I was
not happy. I was stuck in duty bound Christianity. I was like the Pharisees that Jesus contested
with in the New Testament full of religious activity but void of the moving
spirit of the Lord. There was a drive to do the things of God without knowing
God and it wasn’t working. In a nutshell I did not understand grace which means
I didn’t understand my sin and I did not have full access to the things that
true disciples of Jesus receive. All of the things such as prayer, church
attendance and the like are important, but they can only be applied with faith
in the person of Jesus Christ the Lord not the principles that he espoused, I
was living by the latter rather then the former. I wasn’t getting the
relational aspect of my Lord and therefore missed that by believing in Jesus
the things of God would eventually make more sense. I was living backward but I
wasn’t aware of it yet. Nothing was
terribly wrong except interior feelings which I was always ignoring anyway.
There are a lot of folks who believe that life is tough for everyone and you
need to suck it up get over it and overcome circumstances. In and of itself
there is nothing wrong with a tough can do attitude, so I didn’t recognize the
danger. There was a danger though. When
the Lord was trying to use circumstances to turn me back to him I pressed
harder in the direction that I had chosen believing that the results that the
Lord desires were at the end of the road, which would have been true if I was
on the right road. It is not uncommon for people to believe that since God is
sovereign then whatever road you are on
is a necessary part of the will of God. I believed that lie as well. I have
heard some people say “It took what it took for the Lord to save you.” That
sounds great and probably looks good on a bumper sticker but it is not entirely
true, and can be used as a justification to stay on the wrong road. Everything
I have just stated and will further say falls under his permissible will, but not everything is in his perfect will, which
is the will that the believer should strive to be in. When people settle for circumstances
being a valid excuse for sin to continue you have already been defeated because
the mind has already given in to the desires that will cause the body to
follow. I was losing the battle for my mind with issues that I struggled with,
most notably women and seeking self through adrenaline. Romans 12:2 says:
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but
be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and
prove what God’s will is his good pleasing and perfect will.”
This scripture about
guarding your mind emphasizing that the battle that can be won and lost is in
the mind. Once I lost the battle in the mind it was only a short time before I
lost the battle with my actions. Casting Crowns has a song called “Slow
Fade” The chorus says:
“It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away, it’s a slow
fade when black and white turns to gray and thoughts invade choices are make a
price will be paid when you give yourself
away, people never crumble in a day it’s a slow fade”
The lines of that song are scripturally accurate in regards
to how the enemy attacks your thoughts and that is where the battle must be
won, because you have no chance to win the battle once your mind has been
corrupted. That was a lesson that was learned through not heeding the warning
of scripture. I should have picked up on it long before I did. As soon as I
made the decision to leave for Raleigh North Carolina the struggles seemed to
intensify. Almost immediately I was battling temptation with women at a higher intensity then ever before. To be
fair it wasn’t as if I was being sought,
but more that I was seeking out women.
Countless times I took phone numbers and threw them away without calling. The
progression downward started without anyone including myself really even
noticing. I thought I was being a good husband because I didn’t act out what
was going on mentally , but it is a short distance between your mind and your
actions and that span was only a few months. Eventually, I made the calls to a
few of those women and would meet for lunch and then throw the numbers away. I
was still involved in church every Sunday and active with the members, albeit
at a distance, not just because of my increasing problems with sin but because
dealing with people at a distance was a
lifelong habit. I was still justifying
my behavior saying to myself that every man struggles with these things and I
was no different. I was also in a way blaming God, although I did not directly
call out the Lord I was complaining about my life and how frustrated I was so
in a passive aggressive way I was blaming God without doing it directly. If I was actively in the word of God with the
heart of obedience necessary to receive it all of the subsequent events could
have been avoided. The life of Saul in I Samuel Chapter 13 is an example of how
I was dealing with the Lord at the time.
Verses 11-13 “What have you done?” asked Samuel. Saul
replied “When I saw that the men were scattering and that you did not come at
the set time, and the Philistines were assembling at Mishmash, I thought, Now
the Philistines will come down against me at Gilgal, and I have not sought the Lord’s
favor.’ So I felt compelled to offer the burnt offering.” “You acted
foolishly,” Samuel Said.
The backdrop here is that Samuel was to come to Saul during
this battle with the Philistines and he was a little later then Saul expected.
Saul rather then trust in the Lord or seek the Lord’s favor he acted in a
manner that he saw fit. Saul was aware of what his duties were as king and he
knew that the offering of burnt offerings before the Lord was the job of a
priest most notably Samuel. Therefore Saul intentionally and willfully stepped
out of the parameters which the Lord had given to him. Samuel recognized Saul’s
lack of faith and responded as you would expect. This passage of scripture
could be discussed far more in depth then I am at this time I encourage
everyone to seek out the tremendous wisdom that can be gleamed from this
passage. I see now that I was acting foolishly like Saul. Never did I stop and
seek the Lord to turn me from my desires I just tried to get involved in his
business more. Don’t get me wrong getting involved with your local church is
something I would encourage everyone to do, but if you are trying to get more
involved to mask that fact that you will not seek out the Lord’s will for your
life it can be sin and in my case it was. Let me explain further, sometimes we as human’s do not want to totally
surrender our lives so we do things that in and of themselves are Godly but
when done as a justification for disobedience can be sin. I did more things because I wanted
to say to God “Hey look what I am doing for you, now you need to fix this
situation.” All he wanted was obedience and I was giving him my spiritual
resume. My heart did not desire his will I was involved in religious activity
in an attempt to cover up my disobedience. In summation I did not care about
the person of Jesus Christ or even his desire for others I just wanted the
miracles. Not unlike Saul who decided to make up his own mind in regards to
fixing the problem rather then seeking the one who placed him in the position
of king to begin with. Saul loved being King but he did not want to honor and
worship the true King who gave him his status and blessings.
I had
an opportunity to recognize these truths but I could not let go of my self
sufficiency. I had already repented when I was saved and I guess I felt like
that was a one time deal. That was the way I viewed my relationship with the
Lord as a one time event that happened back in 1995. It was if I thanked the
Lord for my salvation, but that I would
be able to take it from here. Eventually those lunches with women had turned
into longer phone conversations and eventually physical contact. All of this
was happening very fast and by the time I had chose to act out the sin that I
had formulated in my mind the outward act of adultery was not far off. I
remember the afternoon that my sin manifested itself into action. When it was
finished I cried almost immediately, I wanted to believe that now that the deed
was finally done I could make this the first and last time, but I had two
problems. Number 1 in order for that to occur that had to be public admittance
to others and my wife, more specifically there had to be genuine repentance. Number 2 the final act is
not the end it is just the beginning. What I mean by that is once you have
opened the door that wide to Satan in regards to interfering with the sanctity
of your marriage, it is a door not
easily closed. I could not deal with the second problem because I wasn’t
willing to repent for the act itself, instead I tried to not do it again and
not tell anyone that it happened. I had no idea the amount of sin that I was
allowing into my life by not coming clean and turning away right then and
there. I was soon to find out.
Procrastination is an effective
tool to derail anyone’s life. Satan loves to use it as well, sometimes it’s
easier to convince you to keep going and deal with the sin later then to
convince you that it isn’t sin at all. That strategy was effective and I fell
into the trap and stayed in my sin for far longer then I had to. Within a few
weeks the one woman became two an so on and so on. The guilt of what I was doing
was eating me alive, but it still wasn’t enough for me to publicly repent. The
worse it got the more impossible it seemed for me to get out of this. Every
morning for awhile I swore that I would
stop but I didn’t want the public shame that came with repentance so I tried to just stop but keep what I had
done a secret. The harder I tried the worse it got, but right when I was on the
brink of really going over the edge grace showed up. It was in the form of
getting fired from the courier job that I was doing at the time. My employer
had just started his business and had overextended himself and had some routes
where he was losing money so he let me go, but he offered two routes delivering
parcel packages to post offices using straight trucks. I had one week to rent a
truck and purchase the liability insurance that was necessary for me to be a
contractor for this company which I did. Immediately I was making two sometimes
3 times what I made before, depending upon how much freight I had that
particular week. Here is were I recognize the Lord’s favor despite my
unworthiness, here is where I see that his grace is my sustaining force and not
my effort, here is the moment that I repent of my sin and turn back to my
savior with regret for my sin and gratitude for his love. Guess what ,it didn’t
happen, I grew more arrogant in my self sufficiency it was more about me then
ever before, and now that I had a few dollars I could enjoy myself to the
fullest extent of my flesh.
How many times do we have the Lord
show his grace to us in an attempt to display what he desires for us and what
life could be like all the time if we would just let go of the sin that is
destroying us? I didn’t even notice that he provided that opportunity for me, I
really thought it was my own resourcefulness.
The Lord was attempting to call me back through grace and the still
small voice of the Lord and I was so foolish that I took credit for his
blessings. Whenever our lives go astray we want to know why. In my experience
it was not a single event but rather a lot of seemingly small decisions of
which some I have shared in these pages. When you finally see the fingerprints
of God throughout your life you see all of the attempts by the Lord to change
your life and you see that you missed them all. Sin is like a big rig truck
without brakes going down a mountain road. On some mountain highways they have
truck run offs on the side of the road, they are long stretches of sand sloping
upward, obviously there to stop trucks that cannot stop themselves. However the
trucker has to decide to use that run off. It seems to obvious to use the run
off, but if you stop the delivery that you
are making will not be on time, maybe you could lose your route if you do not
make it, or maybe you think you can make your destination with a little bit of
luck and you won’t have to turn off the road you are on. Eventually you come to the last opportunity
to safely get off this road and you pass right by it. That is what happens with
sin in our lives we know there is something wrong but we think we can make our
destination and fix it later and the longer we live with it the worse the
consequences get. Eventually the Lord takes away the run offs not because he
doesn’t care, but because you didn’t care. It is now clear that my last safe
run off was the blessing that I received. It only took a couple months after
receiving that job that alcohol starting becoming a part of the picture for the
first time in 7 years. The truck was out of brakes and I was out of easy
choices. Everything in my life got real dark real fast.
We hear a lot of horror stories
today about people’s lives on television, books, the internet and it is
important to share these things as a warning to others and my story is not
unique in that aspect. However, I think it is more important to look at all of
the decisions that were made long before the full blown sin manifests itself in
your life. I alluded to the move to Raleigh North Carolina being the beginning
of some things internally that were not in keeping with the Lord’s will. In
retrospect the move was not in the Lord’s perfect will for my life because it
was a course of action for my life that was not the result of obedience to the
word of God and his calling for my life. Whether or not you are involved in a
church with sound doctrine is not always a sound indicator of your obedience to
the Lord. I am not hear to cast the church in a bad light please do not
misunderstand me here, this is an attempt to illustrate that obedience to the
Lord is paramount to a Christian’s life, and that obedience is the only true barometer of
having faith in him. Being involved in a church where others are in the will of
God does not automatically mean that I was as well. I was in a good situation
before I left for North Carolina. I
played football for a small Baptist college, which was an ideal situation. I
had a second chance at the sport I loved and had an opportunity to be saturated
in the word of God. There were however some trials, and rather then seek the
Lord out to get me through those trials I decided that the adversity was a good
excuse to go somewhere else. (Adversity and trials is a huge part of everyone’s
development and would merit much more discussion, but I am not going to get
into that in depth right now.) Adversity ran me away from a place that the Lord
wanted me to be, and that cowardly act set the tone for the years I have
described and that were to come. “The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want.” A
simple scripture that if obeyed could have been a catalyst for pressing through
the strife to find out his perfect will for my life, but alas I decided to run
away and stay out of his safe and perfect will for my life. The longer you stay
out of his will the farther you get away from his perfect will that he ordained
for you before time existed. We will never know what are disobedience costs us,
as far as fruit that could have been attained for the kingdom here on earth,
but the story of Moses illustrates that there are costs. If you remember Moses
was not allowed to see the Promised Land with the Israelites as a result of his
sin after coming down from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments. That is
important to remember, because although the Lord does forgive and can use
everyone that receives Jesus as their personal savior, why would you want to
lose out on any of the fruit that could be credited to you for the kingdom of
heaven. My cowardly act rooted in my lack of understanding of his grace and
therefore lack of obedience to his word was the starting point for why I did
not come into the fullness of Christ in terms of his perfect will for me.
Therefore there is no doubt that I missed out on some of the blessings that
obedience to the Lord can bring. I don’t want anyone to think that since you
have blown it you should just quit because the Lord cannot use you that is a
lie. What I seek to convey is a balanced perspective rooted in the word of God
which can heal your past and keep you grounded in the future so as to receive
the fullness of Christ.
Let’s return back to my story up in
Raleigh North Carolina. So here I was graduated from college involved in the
church, married, and now making a decent amount of money. We had two cars, a
straight truck I bought for the business, and two motorcycles, everything was
going fine or so it seemed. As I stated earlier all of these things were a
result of the Lord’s unmerited grace. They were also things that I now took
pride in and believed that my resourcefulness were the real reasons for these
things I had attained. The fall off was almost immediate, it wasn’t a few short
months that I was now intimately involved with another woman and this time I
foolishly started some sort of relationship with her. I was living two
different lives at that point and there was no chance of turning around without
facing the wreckage I had created. My heart was now completely deceived to the
point of feelings of love for a woman that I should never have been with. I did
not understand God’s love at all anymore, which is probably why I was involved
in a counterfeit version of the Lord’s love with someone else. It wasn’t long
before my wife found out about all of this, so did the other woman. I was lying
to both of them, my wife found out about her and she found out I was married. I
was lying to everyone, I was a fraud and I was caught. At this juncture I was
aware of what was wrong with me, but the pain and wreckage I had created was
too much for me to look at so I tried to accept portions of responsibility, but
contended that my wife had to bear some of the blame. Therefore I was still not
ready to repent , sadly enough I knew that I was wrong, but I would not allow
the Lord to totally break me and repent before my Lord my wife, and my church.
We do not fully understand the price of sin. Having knowledge of the physical
and emotional pain that a holy and blameless God went through for us should be
enough but we still don’t believe fully and I didn’t. I had to see the wreckage
in my own life before my eyes would start to see sin for what it is. I was
getting closer, but through all of this I was still not totally broken so the
Lord was not done yet, why was I holding on to my pride? Sadly I wasn’t even
questioning why I was holding on to it then, it had become such a part of my
character now that I didn’t know how to get rid of it. No matter how religious
you think you are, all it takes are a few unchecked sinful decisions before you
go down a road that takes you to a place where you do not recognize the man in
the mirror. The good news is that I was at that destination the bad news is
that I still thought I could do something to fix it. So I still had not
surrendered my will to the Lord why was this so hard? What did I miss along the
way? Why am I so continually unhappy?
Circumstances that were about to
unfold would reveal the answer to these questions and more. Sometimes a simple
conversation about a topic seemingly unrelated can open up your eyes. My wife
and I have had a long road allowing the Lord to mend the wounds that we have
delivered to each other over the years. There had to be some real confession on
my part and sometimes that involved some (but not all) the details of what I
had done. Believe it or not there was some admission on her part as well. Over
the years we have learned to communicate with each other and at times
even speak candidly about the past without pain being rehashed and throwing
guilt at each other. (Although that is healthy I would recommend that you allow
sufficient time for those old wounds to heal before you attempt to use your
testimony.) One of those conversations was her wanting to know if my
personality played a role in my adultery. I have a tendency to get bored of
things once I have figured the general principles involved in whatever I am
doing. Therefore I get bored frustrated and desire a new challenge to tackle.
My wife wondered if that was some of the reasoning for why I did some of the
things I did. Essentially she wanted to know if I had grown bored of her. That
was a fair question. I revealed to her that was in fact not the case, and it
wasn’t . I revealed to here something that I had said many times before and was
still true. I did not know how to relate to anyone, I chose not to have a
relationship of any kind with any woman or a male friend for that matter (at
least at any meaningful level.) I really had no desire to have a relationship
with a woman before my wife (outside of using them for my own purposes). What I
was admitting is that my problem was not boredom towards my relationship with
my wife but moreover the problem that I never desired to have a real
relationship with her at all. Of course I did not go that far with my
explanation after all we need to be honest, but not stupid. I was convicted by my candid and depressingly true response. I
was reminded of the scene after Jesus had just fed the 5 thousand in the book
of John. It says in chapter 6 verse 15,
“Jesus, knowing that they intended
to come and make him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by himself.”
The scene hear is that Jesus has just performed another
miracle and the Jews, wanting an earthly king to overthrow Rome, desired him to
fulfill that role. The Jewish people wanted him to change the world system. He
withdrew because that was not the mission that the father sent him for. He was
sent to go to the cross to pay the debt for our sin, so that individuals that
believed could fellowship and worship with him forever and be saved from their
sin. By withdrawing himself he was being obedient to the father’s will and not
bypassing the cross. If Jesus had chose to bypass the cross and set up an
earthly kingdom and changed the world he would have chosen not to save us from
our sins. It would be as if he chose a temporary kingdom over an eternal one. So what does all this have to do with my
conversation with my wife? I had not chosen to be involved with people ,
because individuals coming to Christ is eternal and the desire and goal of our
heavenly father’s heavenly kingdom. See my problem is I wanted to change the
world first and possibly be used to set some captive frees along the way, not
the right attitude to have. I am going to shock you and tell you that Jesus did
not come to change the world, he came to save man’s soul. Even a non believer
can desire the world to be changed through Jesus’ teachings. Who wouldn’t want
peace on earth, people actually loving their neighbor more then themselves, and
many other of Jesus’ teachings. The barometer for whether you love Jesus is if
you love people, not if you want to change the world. I wish I could tell you
that lesson was learned earlier on my timeline then it was, but it took more
sin to break me down. I was still a Christian that had little desire to save
the souls of the lost which made me more lost then those I believed to be
wrong. Even when I had some form of a
relationship with others it was always self serving, which was the reason for
why my marriage was failing apart and why the relationship with the other woman
didn’t last long. Even she could see that I was not someone you could trust or
would want to be with. Why would anyone want to be with someone that had no
desire for intimacy with them. Since
Jesus cared about people and their hearts rather then their vain attempts at
worship it is no wonder why he could love even someone like me. Upon my
reflection after my wife and and I’s conversation I understand what is
important now, but I did not understand then.
I thought I could begin to solve my problems
by separating from my wife. Everything was unsustainable after all of my
actions came to light. There was nothing but rage, blame and hate between my
wife and I. The Christian friends that we still associated with were telling us to split
up. To be fair it was more about my wife leaving me then the other way around, which is completely
understandable at the time. My wife finally moved out. She got a new car and a
place across town and I thought it would be better this way. No lawyers, no
papers, and no agreement she moved out much like a roommate would. We had
become nothing more than roommates and did not even get along half as well as
you would expect roommates would. The marriage and my Christian walk had
seemingly deteriorated into nothing leaving some and eventually my self to
wonder was there ever anything spiritually there to begin with. So I was free,
I was alone again, no ties and a fresh start, at least that was what I was
telling myself. Reliance on yourself results in sin and eventually delusional
thinking that leads to more sin. I wasn’t free, quite to the contrary, I had
just gone too far in my sin to come back without serious spiritual and
emotional repercussions for my actions.
I still
had some money, my wife had moved across town, and my sin had taken the toll on
me that frankly I deserved. So I did what a lot of people do I continued down
the road that I had started down with more women and now a healthy dose of
alcohol. I don’t enjoy telling war stories and that is not what I intend to do
here. Although some circumstances are necessary to discuss, the relevant aspect
of the story in my life and others as well is the result of sin, not
necessarily the form it takes. It is important to note that the misery that I
felt at this time was no different then my spiritual and emotional status that
I had while I was still attending church. The only difference is that I lost
the desire to paint the picture that I was ok. Of course it was obvious that I
wasn’t ok, not only to others but to myself as well. I engaged in more and more
sin, I did things I swore that I would never do, and I became the sin that I once hated. I spent a lot of
time on my motorcycle and was drinking everyday. Eventually the clubs started
to become a regular part of my life. I lived from five pm to three am and much
like my life until that point I don’t recall any details of my life at that
time. It was the same blur of meaninglessness that it had always been, but now
the Lord had totally given me over to the desires of my heart. I had lost all control, I would forget
conversations that I had the day before. I would meet someone and not remember
who they were the next day, and most days I would go into a store and forget
where I parked my car in the parking lot. I had dropped from 160 pounds to 135
and internally I could tell my health wasn’t the best. A daily diet of chips
beer and two packs of cigarettes will do that to you. I was a member of a
motorcycle club at the time, which was a total rouse. I didn’t really have
anything in common with anyone I was
riding with. Of course no one knew anything about who I really was. They didn’t
know I was still married, they surely didn’t know I was a Christian. Thank God
I never told anyone that, I would have done more harm then good for the cause
of Christ. I was hanging out in clubs and I don’t like hip hop or dance music.
I was hiding in an environment I wasn’t suppose to be in and where I thought no
one that knew the real me would ever find me. I had completely fallen into a
life that was a total fraud, I was putting on a show for people, hiding the
truth and falling further and further away from the Lord. The danger of sin is not just the
repercussions of the acts themselves. The larger danger is that if you stay in
it long enough the lie you are living becomes your reality and you lose some of
the ability to see truth. Your conscience becomes so seared that you cannot hear the truth of the Lord
anymore. Although the parties and women
were a huge part of my life, I spent much more time alone and drunk then out with
people. It seems logical that I should
have just stopped, there was no joy and the shame and guilt was a constant part
of my life, but I couldn’t. Not because the Lord could not intervene, but
because I had been convinced that my life could not be restored, I could not
repent, and I had nothing that I desired to live for anymore. I knew I was
wrong but I had given up on myself and the Lord almost completely. People could clearly see something was wrong
even amongst the crowd that I was hanging out with. I drank much more then
anyone else, and stayed out later then anyone. Although I was surrounded by
others that were engaged in the same sin that I was, they were still living
there normal life outside of the parties. As long as it did not interfere with
their home life some did not see the problem. I had regressed to the point that
the alcohol and the scene had become my life, I had nothing else to go to. I
had hired someone to drive my truck for me by this time, not because business
was so good, but because I couldn’t get to work on time anymore. I was living
in a hotel and my walls were crumbling and even a blind man could see it at
that point.
Obviously
my wife was hurting at this point as well. Sin never just affects you alone,
you always drag others into your misery. She was wondering what happened to the
man she used to trust, she was hurt angry and bitter. We would still talk from
time to time, mainly when I needed something. I look back now and see how
humiliating it must have been for her. Her husband had no money, was physically
and spiritually dead and everyone knew it.
She would later tell me that her friends would see me around town on the
bike (that was in her name by the way) with another woman. I wonder why the
Lord gave her the strength to hold out hope for me when everyone including me
had lost all hope for me. It didn’t just
affect her, both my family and her family as well were wondering what had
happened to me and where did the marriage go wrong. Blame gets shifted around
in these situations and believe it or not sometimes my wife was said to have
played a role in our marriages decline. I would like to stop here and quickly
address that point. This is for the men especially to read. My wife did have
some things she did wrong HOWEVER, THE MARRIAGE IS ALWAYS THE RESPONSIBILITY OF
THE MAN. The Lord holds the man accountable for the spiritual condition of the
home even if you have children with a woman that is not your wife. That is an important lesson that I have
learned that has aided in the restoration of my marriage more then anything
else. If you want to be the man of the household you must live by this creed: “
Everything that is a blessing is because of the Lord and every decision that
goes wrong is your fault.” Yes men if
you listen to your wife and she is wrong that it is still your fault because
you could of said no. Although admittedly with my track record guess which one
out of the two of us was normally wrong? Don’t answer that! It didn’t end with my earthly family it also
affected my family to be. We were pregnant with our son right at the beginning
of what was to become our nightmare and he was stillborn at seven and a half
months. That isn’t a week that goes by that I don’t wonder if the stress that I
was putting on my family and most notably her was a reason for him not being
here. That is just one of the many regrets that I must live with. The Lord
forgives all who call on his name (John 3:16) but he does not erase your
memory. It is of the utmost importance
that people understand that sin has extreme consequences that can be forgiven
but always leaves permanent scares. The longer you engage in defiance of the
Lord the more scars you accumulate along the way. Years ago if I would have written this, a lot
of these pages would have been filled with personal sob stories about my own
pain, and yes there is some of those kinds of things but what sin did to others
and my relationship with the Lord was the worst part of all of it. The further
away from the Word of God I strayed the darker my world became. I was thinking
about death and I wasn’t feeling as if I was bulletproof anymore. There was a lot of fear and anxiety on a
daily basis. I knew I could not turn around in my own strength and that
triggered most of the fear. I had been relying on my intellect and skills even
when I was in the church so now that those things were eroded and useless I was
scared to death. It did not take long that the club scene began to wane in my
life. Mainly due to a lack of finances. I was spending around one hundred
dollars a night at least, so obviously I was going broke very fast. I wasn’t
about to give up the bottle though after all it had become my crutch. I had
actually tried to make deals with God at that point on a nightly basis. I knew
that nothing was going to change and I had lost control so I asked God to save
me from myself, but in the meantime I was going to drink the pain away. I even
swore off going to the clubs which did work most of the time. In truth, if I
had the money I probably would have continued down that road regardless of how
bad things were.
New Years
Eve 2005 was going to be it for me. I had planned that I would go out to the
club one last time and beginning in 2005 I wasn’t going back. The night was not
dissimilar to so many others I didn’t get back to the hotel I was living in
until around 9 the next morning and do not recall very much about the whole
evening. I remember thinking as I was in line waiting to get in that I was glad
this was going to be the last time, I was sick and tired of the life I was
living and more importantly I was tired of me. I still don’t know why I had to
go out that last night. I think it might have been that I had mentally made the
decision a few days before. As I had stated earlier once I had allowed these
things to creep into my thoughts it was just a matter of time before they
became action in my life. New years eve
was not on a Saturday night so I had a couple of days to recover and make good
and my next promise to the Lord and my myself and that involved entering his
house again. The first Sunday of 2005 came quickly and it was time to see if I
could be a man of my word. Believe it or not years ago keeping my word was
something I was pretty good at, but not anymore. I woke up early enough to get
to the Calvary Chapel that I had planned to attend. My wife had gone to that
church during our separation and I had attended once before with not a lot of
affect on me, but I was going anyway. I
went to the store to get some cigarettes and I was about to go back to the room
to put on something else to wear, and the Lord stopped me. I finally listened
to him after all these years. It was clear he did not want me to go back to the
hotel so I just went straight to church. I know why he did not want me to stop
at the hotel first. The obvious reason was that if I didn’t go right away then
I would have probably come up with another excuse as to why I didn’t need to
go. The second reason involved what I had on. I was wearing a cut off yellow
shirt that my old church league basketball jersey, beat up sneakers , hat
turned backwards and workout pants. Not exactly my Sunday best, but I had to
come as I was no cleaning myself up, no image, no attempt at justifying myself
just go and I did. I had been a
Christian for ten years at that point and sadly that was the first act of
obedience that I can recall since receiving Jesus as my savior. I had no idea
the significance of that day but now I understand to elaborate further let me
go to the story of Jesus and the thief on the cross in Luke 23: 39-43.
“Then one of the criminals who were hanged blasphemed Him,
saying, if you are the Christ save yourself and us. But the other , answering
,rebuked him, saying, do you not even fear God, seeing you are under the same
condemnation? “ And we indeed justly,
for we receive the due reward of our deeds: but this man had done nothing
wrong.” Then he said to Jesus; “Lord, remember me when you come into your
kingdom.” And Jesus said to him: “Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be
with me in Paradise.”
This is a powerful and deep scripture but the simple lesson
is coming to the Lord as you are. You see the difference between saving faith
and religion between these two thieves on the cross. The first one wanted to
believe if Jesus would come through for him, as had been done by many others in
his ministry. Before his sermon on the Mount of Olives there were many that
followed him and called themselves his disciples, but after his teachings that
day many stopped following him. Just like the first thief on the cross, if it
wasn’t about there needs they did not want to worship Jesus. The second thief
gives in my opinion the most sincere and honest assessment of our human
condition in the entire bible. He does what we all should do which is to simply
admit that he was guilty and could do nothing about it. Notice that the second
thief did not ask anything of Jesus except to “remember” him when Jesus ascended to heaven. This thief
knew who Jesus was and knew how wretched and unworthy he was in comparison to
His glory. There in a nutshell is salvation and the root of a fruitful and
vibrant relationship with a living God. Finally in a small way I acknowledged
the truth of whom I was and who my Savior was by coming to church with my ratty
clothes, my stinking cigarette breath and a bit of a hangover. What I mean is,
in order to have a relationship with the Lord you must begin with the right attitude and the right
motive. Your first act of worship is to come to him with all of your filthy
rags and simply acknowledge the truth of the gospel and the truth of the
depravity of your human condition, believe and rest in the person of Jesus
Christ for your salvation. What I wore
in and of itself was not significant it was the obedience that I finally
surrendered to that was the launching point for my road back to the light. I don’t remember anything about that service,
nothing stood out, and I don’t even remember what was preached on that Sunday.
I was lost in my own thoughts that day, drenched in my sin and feeling a tremendous
amount of shame and guilt. When everyone else rose to sing I stayed seated with
my head in my hands. I spent the whole service trying not to be emotional and
praying for the Lord to save me from myself over and over again. As the service
ended I felt something tell me not to get up. Clearly it was the Holy Spirit,
but I was not in tune to what he had to say so at the time so I wasn’t sure but
thank God I listened anyway. It was not as if I wanted to stay I didn’t. I
wanted to leave because I was afraid someone would actually talk to me, which
is exactly why he compelled me to stay, so I stayed seated as everyone filed
out and continued to pray. I prayed that someone would come up to me. One of
the few prayers that I remember saying, “Lord I don’t have it in me to reach
out right now so I am going to sit here and I pray you send someone to me.”
Guess what, he did! Imagine that God does show up! The youth minister at the
church introduced himself and asked how I was doing. I thought if the Lord had
gotten me back and gotten me to stay I guess I should let it out. I’m sure that
poor youth leader didn’t know what was coming, but God bless him he listened
anyway. This was also my first lesson in
regards to the importance of God’s people if you are to have a relationship
with the Lord. You cannot love the Lord and not enjoy the company of his
people. I had spent my whole life without significant contact with others with an exception of political, religious and
sports arguments. The Lord used that youth leader to listen to my story and
welcome me to the body of Christ. The Lord brought one other person into my
life at that time that would prove to be very important to my growth. A long
haired biker who seemed to share my personality and relate to the madness that
I engaged in. If that was all it
entailed it would have just another nameless person that I swapped some stories
with, but fortunately for me he was right in the middle of the will of God,
right where I needed to be. What a blessing I received and the more I think
about it the more I am amazed as to all that was given to me that first
Sunday. I clearly did not comprehend the
significance of everything but I am so grateful for his grace. I would love to
say that the drinking and all of the sinful habits I had created immediately
went away but they didn’t. Maybe by
struggling every step of the way was the method that the Lord used to teach me
everything that was necessary for others to be saved. If that was the case ,
which I believe it to be , I am grateful for the trials. There was one more
revelation that I had not totally grabbed onto before I could be totally free
from the past and that was total submission in every aspect of my heart, mind,
and soul to his will everyday. I just received grace in a large way , but I
hadn’t yet had the Lord break me completely. It would take an answer to prayer
in a way that I never expected for the Lord to break my will completely and by
the grace of God it did not take long.
The scripture describes us as sheep that have all gone
astray. The interesting thing about sheep is that they have no defense
mechanisms against predators and no predatory skills of their own, and to
almost add insult to injury they do nothing but follow other sheep. Sheep lack
independent thinking skills of any kind. It seems almost insulting for the Lord
to describe his most prized earthly creation (yes humans are above animals) in
that manner. This description describes our spiritual condition before the Lord
as well as our total inadequacy in regards to defeating satan without the help
of the Lord our shepherd. In regards to eternity we have no skills of our own
that are useful which is why the Lord must be in charge of every detail of our
life. If a shepherd had a sheep that would constantly wander off and risk
getting killed the shepherd would do something that would raise the aire of the
political correct modern crowd. He would break one of it’s legs. While the
sheep was healing the shepherd would carry that sheep everywhere he went. When
the little sheep was healed it learned that the shepherd was solely responsible
for it’s survival and safety so the sheep would never leave the shepherd. Human
beings by nature have the problem of pride and combined with our total lack of
ability against the enemy causes that Lord to have to take drastic measures to
ensure our salvation. I was that sheep that
could not stop wandering off so he broke my leg. My leg at that time was
my money, my motorcycle, my job and most tragically my spiritual gifts. All had to go and the process began the
moment I returned to the Lord that Sunday morning.
We don’t understand
the Lord’s timing because he doesn’t exist inside of those parameters. He was
and is above, before and beyond time. Our linear thinking does not understand
eternity because we are the created beings living in the world that has limits
and those limits were created from a limitless God. In the eyes of God
everything that was to transpire was a process necessary for what was to come,
of course in the eyes of God there is nothing to come it already is. I know
this kind of stuff is deep theology and can be discussed in depth in ways I am
not capable of doing but it is relevant because we have to understand why
things don’t seem to happen instantaniuosly in this world, but in the realm of
eternity they do happen in a moment it is just that the moment for us in this
world is a larger fragment of time. I can look back and realize that the Lord
heard my cry that day and went into action that day and everything was sealed
in heaven that day, but sanctification takes longer then salvation the process
must occur so that the gifts of the
spirit are prevalent in the believers life.
There was more sin that was to be purged from my life and I chose to
hold onto things that were destructive to my life. This is not an attempt to
justify sin. Believe me I did not have this perspective while it was happening.
I questioned whether anything was happening at all. I had all of those
questions that we ask ourseslves while
the Lord is working in our lives. Why can’t I just be holy and stop sinning? Am
I too lost and too corrupt for him to save me? Am I just another hypocrite that
is lying to myseslf again? I definitely
did not have the eternal perspective that the Lord has given me years later
back then. There was a difference that didn’t mean much then, but was extremely
important to my growth. I started to hate sin everywhere in my life and in the
world. Not everything changed immediately but the conscious that the Lord gave
me was troubled again. I wasn’t lifeless anymore and although awakening my soul
in the middle of my sin was painful and it was better then the nothing that
existed before. I was on the road back, even though it didn’t seem like it at
the time. My life was beginning again, however I was bringing a lot of baggage
with me that had to go and the next five and a half years of my life were about
the Lord removing what didn’t need to be inside and replacing those things with
His things.
The
beginning of my new life did not have the fresh morning feeling that a new
beginning in the Lord can bring. I wasn’t even aware at the time that a new
beginning was occurring. There was not a warm feeling, no thunder bolt from
heaven or a filled with the spirit
moment. It was just receiving my vision regarding where I was in my sin and
that Jesus was my only hope. Moreover I could begin to see my sin as the Lord
saw it and begin to want healing and repair in my life. I’d like to use an
analogy to illustrate what was going on then and give some insight into what
was to come and why. Imagine you are buying a home and you buy it as is and
unseen, (I don’t recommend doing this by the way so don’t blame me if you are
naïve enough to try that!) Now when you get to the home you meet the people
that have left the home. Much to your dismay you encounter some people that
were lost in their sin. Drug and alcohol addicted, and infidelity in their
relationship. At this point you would want to reevaluate the whole idea of
purchasing this home, but you make a commitment and you have to honor it. The
bad news gets worse as you enter the home. Holes in the walls from their
constant arguing and physical encounters, stains on the carpet from spilled
beer and cigarettes that were put out on the floor. As you enter the bedroom
you are knocked over by the smell of human excrement clearly evident by the
stains on the floor. The water heater is leaking the air conditioning doesn’t
work, there are cracks in the foundation and water damage and mold in every
wall and floor. The roof leaks and every
window is allowing air to free flow in and out of the house. At this point you don’t even need an
inspector to come in because it is obvious that you just bought a house that
has to be rebuilt from the ground up, but the contract is signed and you have
no choice but to get busy making this a house you would enjoy living in. I know
this may seem like a crazy inconceivable story at first, but this is the job of
the Lord in each and every one of us that he has saved. There is a lot of bad
theology regarding what you need to do to change your life. There are books to
give you five steps to happiness, three steps to God’s love, two steps to
wealth and prosperity but the real process is a one step daily process and that
is to obey the Lord and keep his commandments. This is not an argument for
legalism because your obedience without the Lord’s power will not save you.
Your obedience is proof that you believe that you cannot fix yourself. What I
mean is that obeying the word of God is how you worship the Lord and show your
gratitude for what he has done on the cross and what he will do. Now remember
the house that has to be totally rebuilt, that is all of our lives. God is not
in the redecorating business he is in the demolition and rebuild business and
he is has a monopoly on that business because He is the only one capable of
doing it. Obedience is in response to the grace of God and an act of gratitude
when it is founded in true brokenness before the cross. At this point in my
life I could not rebuild. I had no strength, no idea what a man of God was
supposed to look like, or even the desire for the righteous things of God
because there were so foreign to me. I had Jesus and I could do what I was told
and thank God that was enough and thank God that he allows you to keep following
him every time you don’t get it right.
All of
the sin clearly did not disappear overnight and let me tell there is nothing
worse then allowing Jesus back in charge of your life and still struggling with
the wrecked house you left him. Folks sin is no fun at all when Jesus shows up,
trust me don’t repeat what you are about to read just stop and submit to the
Lord every little detail of your life right from the beginning. This part of my
life seemed like I was still in rebellion when it was occurring, but now I see
that it was me having absolutely no idea about the truth of the person of Jesus
Christ. Let me step back to the time when I walked back into that Calvary
Chapel in January 2005. I am now alluding
to that short time frame between that Sunday and total brokenness of my heart,
and that time was short. April 26, 2005
was the day the brokenness was complete and the first chain had fallen off. Between January 1 and April 26,2005 I was back
in a church although on the outside in regards to fellowship and being a tool
for the kingdom of Christ. There was sin that needed to be dealt with before I
could enjoy the full fellowship amongst the called of Christ. Do not
misunderstand this statement as a statement about God’s love not being present
in my life. Nothing could be more illogical and erroneously wrong. The saving
grace that I had been repeatedly shown and have been shown since was an out
pouring of his love that is beyond comprehension. Although I wanted to be whole again and a vibrant member of the
flock I was still not freed from the chains of alcohol and lust as of yet. Over
these next few years the Lord was to deal with these issues and cause a
yearning to be a part of the body of Christ which was necessary for my growth
and the growth of others that I may potentially be able to reach for His
kingdom. Although back on track with God I was clearly in no position as of yet
to over any real wisdom from God’s word.
The Lord was not done freeing me from my demons but he was about to.
April
26, 2005 was a night not dissimilar to any other that had occurred during this
two year stretch in my life. It was a weeknight so I was not at a bar but I was
drinking which was still the norm at this time. What I have not revealed until
now is that my drinking was mostly alone and behind buildings after parking my
bike somewhere and this was no different. I bought a couple of twenty four
ounces of beer after riding around town until the sun went down. I would do
this a lot at this time. I bought the beer and brought it around back and would
drink it behind the convenient store that I bought it from. I usually picked a store that was had a place behind it
that was dark and usually had some wooded area behind it so I would not be
seen. I popped the top and began to drink and after I got half way through the
first one I would sometimes put a CD in and start listening to music through
the headphones. It was usually either Christian or country music on this
particular night it was a third day CD (no disrespect to third day I know they
did not think their music would be listened to by alcoholics drinking behind
buildings.) After about twenty minutes I started to cry which was something
that I did frenquently while I was alone. I was tired, depressed, lonely and
beaten. I knew the path that I was on was not going to end well but I didn’t
think there was much I or anyone else could do about it. My mind had been so
polluted but here I am listening to Christian music, alcohol and Christian
music not exactly a match made in heaven, but as I stated earlier things were
moving in the right direction. The explanation of the unholy union of these two
things was this. That answer was that
the Lord was still inside deep beneath the ashes that I had heaped on him over
the last few years. He would not let me die, even though all of actions
deserved death and seemed to welcome it. This particular night did not lead me
to believe that it would be any different .
I had to go to work the next morning so I was consuming just enough
alcohol to get me drunk enough that I could go to sleep. Sleep was something I
could not achieve without alcohol at that time. After I got my fill I wiped
away the tears shut off the music and walked to my motorcycle. It was a little
bit chilly that night so after a few minutes I started to speed up to over
ninety miles per hour, just because I wanted to get out of the cold and in my
bed as fast as possible. I clearly wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing
and after awhile I was on cruise control running ninety five miles per hour
down the interstate at around eleven at night. I didn’t even see the state
trooper until I saw the blue lights behind me attempting to pull me over. I
panicked when I saw those lights. I thought about the previous speeding tickets
I had and the fact that I had plenty to drink that night so I was scared to
death. I was driving a truck for a living and any ticket at this time was going
to doom whatever resemblance I had at a normal life. I pulled over into the
right lane and at the last minute I asked myself do I pull over or see if I can
lose this guy. One hairtrigger decision changed my life forever. I dropped a
gear turned the throttle and took off, and nothing has been the same since. The
moment I did it I wanted to stop, a million thoughts raced through my mind
almost immediately. Just pull over! I can’t it’s too late! I started this, now
I have to get away! What have I done?
Then instinct set in, I remember everything I thought during that chase:
go left! Now right! Take the beltline to avoid the police station! Oh no there
are more of them! I can’t get away! Take the next exit! I can’t believe he is
still back there! Finally, I came to my
senses and sanity finally reined in my adrenaline as I realized that I was in a
residential area. I will never forget what make me stop. I thought “ What if I
hit someone else or someone’s kid” I
pulled the bike over dropped the kickstand and before the first officer had
stopped and gotten out of his car I had my hands on my head and was
surrendered. I knew immediately that something had changed, there was nothing that would be
the same again. My trucking business was thrown away at that moment as was the life that I had been living. What
a blessing I had just received! I had wanted my old life to be gone,of course
those were not my thoughts at that moment. Actually my thoughts were about
nothing at all. No panic, sadness, anger or even fear, it was just over. I
remember sitting in that police car and the first words that the officer said
to me was “You just made a big mistake.” I guess even he knew that something
like this was going to change everything, probably for the worse and for the
immediate future he was right. Something significant happened that night that I
did not realize at the time but it is so clear now. I was not caught I
surrendered. This is not to say that I would not have been caught because
eventually they would have gotten me or I would have died. This is an important
point that should not be glossed over. Surrender to Christ is the most
important and necessary step that everyone must take in order to follow Christ.
This may have been just symbolic at the time, but it was still important that
it happened. By stopping it was indicating to the Lord that I would not run
from him anymore and moreover that I was willing to face whatever consequences
that my actions received. Taking the dire ramifications for your sin is an
important testimony to God that you truly are surrendered. At that moment
however I thought that my life was over and never to be repaired in any
significant way. Thank the Lord I was only half right, my old life was soon to be over but the new life that was
coming was far better then even my greatest day before this day. At that point in time it didn’t seem like
much had changed at all, but I was wrong everything changed and would continue
to change day by day. My Christian walk truly began that night in handcuffs on
my way to facing a felony conviction. It didn’t have to be that way but I left
the Lord no choice it was either this or allow me to continue on a path that meant certain destruction. New life had
begun.
The
first act of obedience was to start from the beginning. As I had alluded to before
I had an intellectual Christian life built upon my will being first and trying
to implement Godly principles from time to time. The Lord began dealing with
that immediately by bringing me to his word with simple instructions.Just read
it! Everyone is different and the Lord deals with people in different ways. I
couldn’t see why he was asking this of me back then but I know now. I had done
so many “Christian” things in the past
that were not in response to His call. Therefore the Lord wanted me to
not do anything but go through his word without my preconceived ideas and
without trying to analyze facts from justly an intellectual perspective. Much
like everything else about how the Lord dealt with me, there was no tangible
quick results or warm feelings inside to make me feel better. The Lord was much
more focused on my life actually being better rather then it appearing to be
better or feeling better for a short time. In that regard it was frustrating
because the emotional aspect was something I desired. That statement taken in
the context of how I had lived was telling about how my will was still
prevalent in my life. I spent a lot of my life condemning Christians that were
charismatic and raised there hands in church or would shout out during service.
In my arrogant frame of mind I thought all of those kinds of things were
nonsense and sensationalism and therefore not biblical. Now here I was
humiliated by my unbiblical behavior and I wanted the Lord to bring me some
feel good bliss, seems a bit hypocritical don’t you think. Thank the Lord that
by obeying Him that and many other things were about to be surgically removed
from my life. It is important to understand that the Lord’s work is a lot like
surgery and therefore bringing the physical and emotional pain as well as the
vulnerability and weakness, but it is all necessary and I was soon to realize
definitely worth it. The Lord had only given me one task. I probably couldn’t
have handled more then one. The task was to read the bible from cover to cover.
I was supposed to have it done in a year and it took three. Even though new
life had begun the old habits died hard and that was the reason for the extra
two years it took to complete the task the Lord had for me. I can now see
things that were beginning to change, most importantly my desires. I remained
engaged in a battle in regards to lust and depression, but I wasn’t totally
surrendering to those things anymore. That doesn’t seem like much but I had
dove right into to sin and changed in such a radical way that everything was
not fixed in an expedient manner, at least from my wordly perspective. In
relation to eternity the amount of time that the framework was laid for the
life that was to come was not that long, approximately 3 years. I would like to
point out that almost all of the changes in the first two years were internal.
What I mean is that outwardly I was not happy most of the time, my marriage was
still bad, and we still had no money, but there was an internal change in my
attitude. The Lord was growing a hatred for sin and a love of His Word. Both
were to be essential for my future Christian walk. The understanding of the
depravity of yourself in relation to our Lord is essential to understanding the
fullness of grace. The hatred of sin is therefore necessary to have as a
Christian just as much as a love for the Lord because both are characteristics
of our Heavenly Father. That is not to say there wasn’t some outward changes.
For example my work ethic had returned which was something I used to take pride
in and I see now that is sin as well. What I mean is that men especially,
should not boast of being a hard worker because that should be a given for all
men. It would be a like a grown man boasting about the ability to speak and
walk. So I wasn’t proud to have a good
work ethic I was grateful for the opportunity to show it. I was beginning to
show gratitude for little things and relearning those little things in the
context of how they fit into the bible.
Gratitude was the beginning of the fruit of joy (Galatians
5:22) and this blessing was the crown jewel of blessings for this portion of my
life. There is more to come but the foundation is now laid and the glorious
fruitful work can begin now. I don’t know what is to come but I can’t wait because
of who He is and not what I can do. I am going to temporarily end this writing
for now because this chapter is now finished and I ‘m sure their will be
chapters to write in the future and I’m sure there will be stories of people
I’ve met, smells I’ve smelled an sounds I’ve heard because that is what people
that are alive do.
